ular

 belit. 

belitlah lagi, celaka. 

I cannot change the outcome, but I can do the best I can. It’s okay. 

Rant of an absent minded individual

I have been mentally absent these few months. Waking up, day by day— it’s just a 24 hours just to call it a day, 30/31 days just to call it a month.

Other than working, I basically did nothing. Time is moving so fast, and now it’s almost the end of 2021. 

I can exactly conclude how this year has been. At least not yet. 

I just know I am currently at better place than last year but the emptiness is just.. too much.

I don’t feel sad, happy or anything. I am not sad, life is not too bad. It just like I am constantly anticipating troubles. For some reason my brain has been trained to anticipate shits for the longest time, so it’ll soften the blow.

That’s just misleading and wrong. 100%. 

This pattern of thinking without a doubt is severely damaging.

I don’t treasure my day enough. Day passed just like that— no reflection, no achievement, no nothing. It’s just as empty as it is. It’s just another vicious cycle of— ah, what to do next.

There’s literally no color at all. Like my superior said to me yesterday “You’re grey.”

Literally there’s a character of me in anime. Uramichi oniisan that is. That’s literally me. 

There is no satisfaction in things that I do— which is essential to me in my deeper level. I do shits as usual, but when it just didn’t reach to the level that I really wanted, then it’ll all become so fucking boring. I feel inadequate. 

Then it comes to this stage where I feel like— I’m fucking sucks. I’m not good at anything, at least that is what I feel like. 

I have a mindset of a loser on the other court, and I fucking hate it. 

“You can learn”, they said.

——————————————————

There comes my second reason. Or rather, a backstory, or if I am being frank enough— this is an excuse.

Generally I don’t have the best attitude on learning. I am not dumb. I know I am not dumb.

I chickened out from things that I am not good at instantly. If I don’t nail it at the first time— fuck this shit. This is not for me. I don’t care. At least most of the time I am saying this is during the situation where I can be sure that there will be people behind me that can do this better than me. 

Time waits for no one. I feel pressured by time constrain, and if I knew there is someone that can do things better than me, why would risk giving it to me? 

And then at the moment when I am at the dead end where people would rely on me on this thing— I would still find my way to bail out. I literally abuse myself and give 0 chance to myself to learn, make space and mistakes. I hate mistakes. 

But to make no mistakes = no progress.

——————————————  

Curiousity. I guess that’s the only thing that has always been in me. It is not more than anyone else, but it’s rather high. 

It’s bottomless, wide, deep, random and scattered. 

Sometimes impractical— but that’s the fun of it.

I wouldn’t say that I’d be curious with everything and anything. Like any normal being there are certain limitations of my curiosity.

Then it’ll go back to the first point of me not liking things that I am not good at instantly. It’s dumb. i know. I am working on that part of me.

My strongest pursuit since high school is curiousity and the neverending passion to learn and share. Not necessarily meaningful, but I get the thrill when people say 

“Oh aku baru tahu!”

That’s the sweet, sweet little fruit of knowlegde that I can find along my dark, lonely journey. To share it with other people that appreciate it is my utter joy.

It’s ridiculous to think how a small of a thing can make me happy. Maybe I like being relied to.

Just not too much! 

————————————————

It’s November 2021. Just a month left to 2022. I’ll be 27 next year.

Unlike other lost year that I just gave up to have resolution, I will make sure I will at least have my own resolution for 2022. 

I hope I won’t forget this. I want to live enthusiasiticly. I want to chip off my pesimistic mind.

I want to live beautifully, inside and outside. Appreciating every single specs of dust, hair, glitters and sparkles. 

Every single sadness, tears, joy and sorrow.

I’ll spoil the hell out of my inner child. I’ll reparent my innerchild wisely, beautifully. 

She will eventually find life fascinating. 

boulder

with the weight on my shoulder, how can i even move? 

how can i even make a choice? 

knowing that all of these (choices) will end up slamming, crushing me to gazillion pieces, 

or will it be worse if it

leaves me breathing but dead inside. 

but i have never lived before.

i have never ever lived  before. 

Here we go again

 It's spiralling once again, to the point of I'm unable to wake up from the bed and go to work. 

I need help, but how. 

Why?

How is that going to help me?

Do I have the privilege to heal or do I just walk-off and suck it up?

HSP

Being a sensitive person are both a blessing and a curse. 

I don't want to feel this much. 

I never ask too. 

Indeed, I never feel I belong anywhere, everywhere. 

bahagian kita

"tak suko donga ceramah kekeluargaan. den tak bahagio." 

Not enough

It will never be enough. We constantly seek for something better for ourself-- overseeing the present. A vicious cycle that never ends. 

I am grateful for every thing that I have currently but sometimes I cannot help to see other people's plate and be jealous of it. 

fed up.

for a person that didn't do much, i indeed am asking a lot. 

tired

even after getting a job I would still find myself crying in the middle of the night.

my heart feels congested. 

tired. 

this is the future i am having but why does it feel so bleak and full of uncertainty?

why do I fear the uncertainty so much?

selamatkan malam aku

tuhan, 

selamatkan malam aku daripada perihal yang membelenggu. 

selamatkan malam aku daripada hal-hal yang menunggu

selamatkan aku--

selamatkan aku. 

The air, the sun and the birds.

The air now is less suffocating,

The sun is shining brighter, 

The birds are chirping louder

Knocking every sense in me. 

These are the gifts that I will not be able to appreciate I have decided to give up on life.