ular

 belit. 

belitlah lagi, celaka. 

I cannot change the outcome, but I can do the best I can. It’s okay. 

Rant of an absent minded individual

I have been mentally absent these few months. Waking up, day by day— it’s just a 24 hours just to call it a day, 30/31 days just to call it a month.

Other than working, I basically did nothing. Time is moving so fast, and now it’s almost the end of 2021. 

I can exactly conclude how this year has been. At least not yet. 

I just know I am currently at better place than last year but the emptiness is just.. too much.

I don’t feel sad, happy or anything. I am not sad, life is not too bad. It just like I am constantly anticipating troubles. For some reason my brain has been trained to anticipate shits for the longest time, so it’ll soften the blow.

That’s just misleading and wrong. 100%. 

This pattern of thinking without a doubt is severely damaging.

I don’t treasure my day enough. Day passed just like that— no reflection, no achievement, no nothing. It’s just as empty as it is. It’s just another vicious cycle of— ah, what to do next.

There’s literally no color at all. Like my superior said to me yesterday “You’re grey.”

Literally there’s a character of me in anime. Uramichi oniisan that is. That’s literally me. 

There is no satisfaction in things that I do— which is essential to me in my deeper level. I do shits as usual, but when it just didn’t reach to the level that I really wanted, then it’ll all become so fucking boring. I feel inadequate. 

Then it comes to this stage where I feel like— I’m fucking sucks. I’m not good at anything, at least that is what I feel like. 

I have a mindset of a loser on the other court, and I fucking hate it. 

“You can learn”, they said.

——————————————————

There comes my second reason. Or rather, a backstory, or if I am being frank enough— this is an excuse.

Generally I don’t have the best attitude on learning. I am not dumb. I know I am not dumb.

I chickened out from things that I am not good at instantly. If I don’t nail it at the first time— fuck this shit. This is not for me. I don’t care. At least most of the time I am saying this is during the situation where I can be sure that there will be people behind me that can do this better than me. 

Time waits for no one. I feel pressured by time constrain, and if I knew there is someone that can do things better than me, why would risk giving it to me? 

And then at the moment when I am at the dead end where people would rely on me on this thing— I would still find my way to bail out. I literally abuse myself and give 0 chance to myself to learn, make space and mistakes. I hate mistakes. 

But to make no mistakes = no progress.

——————————————  

Curiousity. I guess that’s the only thing that has always been in me. It is not more than anyone else, but it’s rather high. 

It’s bottomless, wide, deep, random and scattered. 

Sometimes impractical— but that’s the fun of it.

I wouldn’t say that I’d be curious with everything and anything. Like any normal being there are certain limitations of my curiosity.

Then it’ll go back to the first point of me not liking things that I am not good at instantly. It’s dumb. i know. I am working on that part of me.

My strongest pursuit since high school is curiousity and the neverending passion to learn and share. Not necessarily meaningful, but I get the thrill when people say 

“Oh aku baru tahu!”

That’s the sweet, sweet little fruit of knowlegde that I can find along my dark, lonely journey. To share it with other people that appreciate it is my utter joy.

It’s ridiculous to think how a small of a thing can make me happy. Maybe I like being relied to.

Just not too much! 

————————————————

It’s November 2021. Just a month left to 2022. I’ll be 27 next year.

Unlike other lost year that I just gave up to have resolution, I will make sure I will at least have my own resolution for 2022. 

I hope I won’t forget this. I want to live enthusiasiticly. I want to chip off my pesimistic mind.

I want to live beautifully, inside and outside. Appreciating every single specs of dust, hair, glitters and sparkles. 

Every single sadness, tears, joy and sorrow.

I’ll spoil the hell out of my inner child. I’ll reparent my innerchild wisely, beautifully. 

She will eventually find life fascinating. 

boulder

with the weight on my shoulder, how can i even move? 

how can i even make a choice? 

knowing that all of these (choices) will end up slamming, crushing me to gazillion pieces, 

or will it be worse if it

leaves me breathing but dead inside. 

but i have never lived before.

i have never ever lived  before. 

Here we go again

 It's spiralling once again, to the point of I'm unable to wake up from the bed and go to work. 

I need help, but how. 

Why?

How is that going to help me?

Do I have the privilege to heal or do I just walk-off and suck it up?

HSP

Being a sensitive person are both a blessing and a curse. 

I don't want to feel this much. 

I never ask too. 

Indeed, I never feel I belong anywhere, everywhere. 

bahagian kita

"tak suko donga ceramah kekeluargaan. den tak bahagio." 

Not enough

It will never be enough. We constantly seek for something better for ourself-- overseeing the present. A vicious cycle that never ends. 

I am grateful for every thing that I have currently but sometimes I cannot help to see other people's plate and be jealous of it. 

fed up.

for a person that didn't do much, i indeed am asking a lot. 

tired

even after getting a job I would still find myself crying in the middle of the night.

my heart feels congested. 

tired. 

this is the future i am having but why does it feel so bleak and full of uncertainty?

why do I fear the uncertainty so much?

selamatkan malam aku

tuhan, 

selamatkan malam aku daripada perihal yang membelenggu. 

selamatkan malam aku daripada hal-hal yang menunggu

selamatkan aku--

selamatkan aku. 

The air, the sun and the birds.

The air now is less suffocating,

The sun is shining brighter, 

The birds are chirping louder

Knocking every sense in me. 

These are the gifts that I will not be able to appreciate I have decided to give up on life. 

My cat came back (sort of)

 After a few agonizing days I finally found Bobi under the car. I saw Luna (the roaming pretty black solid cat with puffy tail and cute face female cat) on the left side of my sister's car and she doesn't budge and it is quite weird because Luna basically ran every time she sees us. I suspected something so I went down and looked under the car

there you go, Bobi is under the car. He didn't respond when I called him. 

 

I turn down a job interview and my cat ran away

I'm stressed out and sad. I wanted a cat for so long, just to see it ran away before my eyes and I can't do anything about it. It has been just 3 days since my last post. 

Turn down a job interview that offers me 4x the salary I am getting now made me sad too. 

I could never understand how god's plan works but if one thing I have learned is if you really lost everything and you have nothing to cling your hopes on, just keep the faith in you that everything will fall back in places. 

It's a chaotic day. I am taking a second nap at 4pm. 

My first cat reminds me of myself

 I have always wanted a cat, my own cat-- for my whole life.

Or at least as far as I can remember. It has to me 20 years.

I wanted a cat that i can keep inside, with me.

I took this cat yesterday from my Aunt-- and he's an anxious one. He was hiding under the couch, panicking, refusing to eat and drink since yesterday. I asked a lot of people on how to handle an anxious cat: to conclude the only thing I had to do is to wait.

I am equally as anxious as he is, if not, even more anxious. It is sad seeing how sad, scared and tensed he looks and I almost gave up and texted my Uncle to send him back where he belong.

It just doesn't sit right with me to just give up. Being me, I just can't simply wait. He was hiding under the couch so I lift up the couch and drag him out, trying to give him reassurance that there's no other cat in this house waiting to pounce on him. He finally opened up, stretched, move his tail, groomed and ate (but still, no drink).

So this is him, finally getting out under the couch resting, finally being able to relax a bit with the help of doa, from a known-as-a-cat-hater, my mom.

Ain't he just like me, last year?

Is it a misunderstanding or I just forgot everything?

I guess I played my different side of self with different sets of social circle too much. I do not recall that person he mentioned. Connecting with old acquaintance gave me insight of what and how am I before the shit storm. It has such an describable feelings, knowing that what I planted in mind of who and how I wanted to be was already there years ago-- strong, no bullshit me-- it just needed to be polished.  

Or it is maybe it is just a misunderstood version of me. 

I wonder which side of me you've seen?

Nap

One of thing that I missed the most since I finished my study is nap-- whether it's a mid day nap or an evening nap. The well deserved one. The one that you have after having a long class, or an early morning class, or the nap that you took in between class, it was the best one. I do believe good sleep will help you a lot. 

I had a nap today. It felt great

Happy International Cats Day, Hensem.

Maybe the whole working ordeal last year was just a way god wants to distract me from seeing you fighting for your life, Hensem. Once I had resigned and come back home, none of them wants to tell me about you passing the bridge, but I knew. You were so sick before I left home, Hensem. You fought well. It's been over a year now, yet I am still crushed. I hope there was thing that I could have done better. See you in heaven, Hensem. 

25

So here I am, officially 25 today. I don't have anything in mind to share today but I am just going to post anyway. 2 years ago I was planning to post this song on my birthday but I forgot about it so two years later, I'm fulfilling that promise. 

Just when you feel like you don't want to do anything, just show up. 

3 annoying things you don't want to listen if you are struggling to find job

Finding job is the most sensitive period for everyone. Everything is so tense, the reality that you were expecting before finishing your studies were all a fucking lie. Being an unemployed degree holder since December 2018 (not including this), I understand it well, like really well. I start to compare my life progress with people, seeing how people at my age progress-- earning money, being their better self yet I am still home bounded, depressed and anxious about my future. I have nothing to look forward to. It's bleak. 

Time flies exceptionally fast if you are unemployed. You might remember an event that you feel like it has just happened but really- it was three days ago. You wake up, do chores, and sleep. Do it all over again for another day until you feel like you lose your purpose and you start having an existential crisis at 3 pm. 

Being jobless, nothing that I hate more than having family gathering. I avoid family gathering. I was jumped on my neck because I am still haven't had a job even with my degree. My degree was a waste and useless, they said. I was insulted on my face during family gathering, saying how much of a burden I am. What do I have to say anything back? I have nothing-- I don't have anything, I lose my voice. 

How I still remember a person rub it real good on my face on how they receive money every month without having to work and ask me "kau ada?" repeatedly, in such demeaning manner, on my face. Actually, I don't. I guess it is acceptable for them to to say that-- and you know I am going to receive it all because I'm not going to say anything back, am I right? I bet my ass they probably won't remember that, but I actually do. Times like this are very sensitive, you might not know what you say or joke about will come across as something so rude that really hurt deep, so beware with your words. It is not even hard to not being mean. Try it sometimes. 

Other than that, not having enough support (agreeing passively with everything that someone wants to do is not a support) is one thing, and having to deal with people (that has nothing to do with my choice in life) that think they have the audacity to say those horrible, nasty words to me (everyone, really) is another thing-- yet they still wonder why am I so depressed, bitter and full of resentment.

I struggled finding motivations to actually find a job, overcoming trauma from my previous work place that mentally scarred me-- contemplating life and death from the fourth floor every day during my working time there-- it took me a year to get over that and fully healed. 

I honestly believe that this is common to everyone that struggled to find job. I do believe some people meant no harm, but like I've said, when you are in that sensitive period of time-- not just finding job, but in a hard time in general-- everything that people trying to convey seems like an attack. It's not anyone's fault really. People just need to be more aware and try to understand each other better. Just to sum it up these are the top 3 things that I hated the most-- really. 

1) Constantly bringing up about work

Oh we understand that you meant well but.. really? We can talk about current issues, about the world, about CAPITALISM and our plans to eat the rich, oh also tell me about your new wrong sized underwear that you bought on Shoppee 3 days ago! It is much more interesting to listen to those small thing  rather than bringing up about the thing that we constantly have in our unemployed mind.

2) Give unsolicited advice

Don't get me wrong. It's a good thing that you are trying to help. But first try to hone your communication skills before trying to approach us and give us unsolicited advice. Advice are good, but only when it is needed. Read the room. It is okay-- I guess everyone will make the same mistake at least once in their life. Now that you've know this, you learn from it-- and tell other people too! 

3) Being compared with another individual that has "same" qualification as you

This must be the most annoying thing that everyone could agree on but sometimes it just happens, whether we realize it or not. The acquaintance that you know have a degree but works in retail/factory production (I am not trying to imply working in these field is not good, in fact these two jobs I mentioned are the jobs that might earn the same or more salary than a fresh engineer in Malaysia) -- you just don't compare us to them. They have a choice to choose their field of work-- and so do we! 

I did not. Periodt.

I hope everyone will be kind towards each other. Understanding and kindness can improve any situations. We are all trying our best in this world! Be nice!!