boulder

with the weight on my shoulder, how can i even move? 

how can i even make a choice? 

knowing that all of these (choices) will end up slamming, crushing me to gazillion pieces, 

or will it be worse if it

leaves me breathing but dead inside. 

but i have never lived before.

i have never ever lived  before. 

Here we go again

 It's spiralling once again, to the point of I'm unable to wake up from the bed and go to work. 

I need help, but how. 

Why?

How is that going to help me?

Do I have the privilege to heal or do I just walk-off and suck it up?

HSP

Being a sensitive person are both a blessing and a curse. 

I don't want to feel this much. 

I never ask too. 

Indeed, I never feel I belong anywhere, everywhere. 

bahagian kita

"tak suko donga ceramah kekeluargaan. den tak bahagio." 

Not enough

It will never be enough. We constantly seek for something better for ourself-- overseeing the present. A vicious cycle that never ends. 

I am grateful for every thing that I have currently but sometimes I cannot help to see other people's plate and be jealous of it. 

fed up.

for a person that didn't do much, i indeed am asking a lot. 

tired

even after getting a job I would still find myself crying in the middle of the night.

my heart feels congested. 

tired. 

this is the future i am having but why does it feel so bleak and full of uncertainty?

why do I fear the uncertainty so much?

selamatkan malam aku

tuhan, 

selamatkan malam aku daripada perihal yang membelenggu. 

selamatkan malam aku daripada hal-hal yang menunggu

selamatkan aku--

selamatkan aku. 

The air, the sun and the birds.

The air now is less suffocating,

The sun is shining brighter, 

The birds are chirping louder

Knocking every sense in me. 

These are the gifts that I will not be able to appreciate I have decided to give up on life. 

My cat came back (sort of)

 After a few agonizing days I finally found Bobi under the car. I saw Luna (the roaming pretty black solid cat with puffy tail and cute face female cat) on the left side of my sister's car and she doesn't budge and it is quite weird because Luna basically ran every time she sees us. I suspected something so I went down and looked under the car

there you go, Bobi is under the car. He didn't respond when I called him. 

 

I turn down a job interview and my cat ran away

I'm stressed out and sad. I wanted a cat for so long, just to see it ran away before my eyes and I can't do anything about it. It has been just 3 days since my last post. 

Turn down a job interview that offers me 4x the salary I am getting now made me sad too. 

I could never understand how god's plan works but if one thing I have learned is if you really lost everything and you have nothing to cling your hopes on, just keep the faith in you that everything will fall back in places. 

It's a chaotic day. I am taking a second nap at 4pm. 

My first cat reminds me of myself

 I have always wanted a cat, my own cat-- for my whole life.

Or at least as far as I can remember. It has to me 20 years.

I wanted a cat that i can keep inside, with me.

I took this cat yesterday from my Aunt-- and he's an anxious one. He was hiding under the couch, panicking, refusing to eat and drink since yesterday. I asked a lot of people on how to handle an anxious cat: to conclude the only thing I had to do is to wait.

I am equally as anxious as he is, if not, even more anxious. It is sad seeing how sad, scared and tensed he looks and I almost gave up and texted my Uncle to send him back where he belong.

It just doesn't sit right with me to just give up. Being me, I just can't simply wait. He was hiding under the couch so I lift up the couch and drag him out, trying to give him reassurance that there's no other cat in this house waiting to pounce on him. He finally opened up, stretched, move his tail, groomed and ate (but still, no drink).

So this is him, finally getting out under the couch resting, finally being able to relax a bit with the help of doa, from a known-as-a-cat-hater, my mom.

Ain't he just like me, last year?