Here we go again

 It's spiralling once again, to the point of I'm unable to wake up from the bed and go to work. 

I need help, but how. 

Why?

How is that going to help me?

Do I have the privilege to heal or do I just walk-off and suck it up?

HSP

Being a sensitive person are both a blessing and a curse. 

I don't want to feel this much. 

I never ask too. 

Indeed, I never feel I belong anywhere, everywhere. 

bahagian kita

"tak suko donga ceramah kekeluargaan. den tak bahagio." 

Not enough

It will never be enough. We constantly seek for something better for ourself-- overseeing the present. A vicious cycle that never ends. 

I am grateful for every thing that I have currently but sometimes I cannot help to see other people's plate and be jealous of it. 

fed up.

for a person that didn't do much, i indeed am asking a lot. 

tired

even after getting a job I would still find myself crying in the middle of the night.

my heart feels congested. 

tired. 

this is the future i am having but why does it feel so bleak and full of uncertainty?

why do I fear the uncertainty so much?

selamatkan malam aku

tuhan, 

selamatkan malam aku daripada perihal yang membelenggu. 

selamatkan malam aku daripada hal-hal yang menunggu

selamatkan aku--

selamatkan aku. 

The air, the sun and the birds.

The air now is less suffocating,

The sun is shining brighter, 

The birds are chirping louder

Knocking every sense in me. 

These are the gifts that I will not be able to appreciate I have decided to give up on life. 

My cat came back (sort of)

 After a few agonizing days I finally found Bobi under the car. I saw Luna (the roaming pretty black solid cat with puffy tail and cute face female cat) on the left side of my sister's car and she doesn't budge and it is quite weird because Luna basically ran every time she sees us. I suspected something so I went down and looked under the car

there you go, Bobi is under the car. He didn't respond when I called him. 

 

I turn down a job interview and my cat ran away

I'm stressed out and sad. I wanted a cat for so long, just to see it ran away before my eyes and I can't do anything about it. It has been just 3 days since my last post. 

Turn down a job interview that offers me 4x the salary I am getting now made me sad too. 

I could never understand how god's plan works but if one thing I have learned is if you really lost everything and you have nothing to cling your hopes on, just keep the faith in you that everything will fall back in places. 

It's a chaotic day. I am taking a second nap at 4pm. 

My first cat reminds me of myself

 I have always wanted a cat, my own cat-- for my whole life.

Or at least as far as I can remember. It has to me 20 years.

I wanted a cat that i can keep inside, with me.

I took this cat yesterday from my Aunt-- and he's an anxious one. He was hiding under the couch, panicking, refusing to eat and drink since yesterday. I asked a lot of people on how to handle an anxious cat: to conclude the only thing I had to do is to wait.

I am equally as anxious as he is, if not, even more anxious. It is sad seeing how sad, scared and tensed he looks and I almost gave up and texted my Uncle to send him back where he belong.

It just doesn't sit right with me to just give up. Being me, I just can't simply wait. He was hiding under the couch so I lift up the couch and drag him out, trying to give him reassurance that there's no other cat in this house waiting to pounce on him. He finally opened up, stretched, move his tail, groomed and ate (but still, no drink).

So this is him, finally getting out under the couch resting, finally being able to relax a bit with the help of doa, from a known-as-a-cat-hater, my mom.

Ain't he just like me, last year?

Is it a misunderstanding or I just forgot everything?

I guess I played my different side of self with different sets of social circle too much. I do not recall that person he mentioned. Connecting with old acquaintance gave me insight of what and how am I before the shit storm. It has such an describable feelings, knowing that what I planted in mind of who and how I wanted to be was already there years ago-- strong, no bullshit me-- it just needed to be polished.  

Or it is maybe it is just a misunderstood version of me. 

I wonder which side of me you've seen?

Nap

One of thing that I missed the most since I finished my study is nap-- whether it's a mid day nap or an evening nap. The well deserved one. The one that you have after having a long class, or an early morning class, or the nap that you took in between class, it was the best one. I do believe good sleep will help you a lot. 

I had a nap today. It felt great

Happy International Cats Day, Hensem.

Maybe the whole working ordeal last year was just a way god wants to distract me from seeing you fighting for your life, Hensem. Once I had resigned and come back home, none of them wants to tell me about you passing the bridge, but I knew. You were so sick before I left home, Hensem. You fought well. It's been over a year now, yet I am still crushed. I hope there was thing that I could have done better. See you in heaven, Hensem. 

25

So here I am, officially 25 today. I don't have anything in mind to share today but I am just going to post anyway. 2 years ago I was planning to post this song on my birthday but I forgot about it so two years later, I'm fulfilling that promise. 

Just when you feel like you don't want to do anything, just show up. 

3 annoying things you don't want to listen if you are struggling to find job

Finding job is the most sensitive period for everyone. Everything is so tense, the reality that you were expecting before finishing your studies were all a fucking lie. Being an unemployed degree holder since December 2018 (not including this), I understand it well, like really well. I start to compare my life progress with people, seeing how people at my age progress-- earning money, being their better self yet I am still home bounded, depressed and anxious about my future. I have nothing to look forward to. It's bleak. 

Time flies exceptionally fast if you are unemployed. You might remember an event that you feel like it has just happened but really- it was three days ago. You wake up, do chores, and sleep. Do it all over again for another day until you feel like you lose your purpose and you start having an existential crisis at 3 pm. 

Being jobless, nothing that I hate more than having family gathering. I avoid family gathering. I was jumped on my neck because I am still haven't had a job even with my degree. My degree was a waste and useless, they said. I was insulted on my face during family gathering, saying how much of a burden I am. What do I have to say anything back? I have nothing-- I don't have anything, I lose my voice. 

How I still remember a person rub it real good on my face on how they receive money every month without having to work and ask me "kau ada?" repeatedly, in such demeaning manner, on my face. Actually, I don't. I guess it is acceptable for them to to say that-- and you know I am going to receive it all because I'm not going to say anything back, am I right? I bet my ass they probably won't remember that, but I actually do. Times like this are very sensitive, you might not know what you say or joke about will come across as something so rude that really hurt deep, so beware with your words. It is not even hard to not being mean. Try it sometimes. 

Other than that, not having enough support (agreeing passively with everything that someone wants to do is not a support) is one thing, and having to deal with people (that has nothing to do with my choice in life) that think they have the audacity to say those horrible, nasty words to me (everyone, really) is another thing-- yet they still wonder why am I so depressed, bitter and full of resentment.

I struggled finding motivations to actually find a job, overcoming trauma from my previous work place that mentally scarred me-- contemplating life and death from the fourth floor every day during my working time there-- it took me a year to get over that and fully healed. 

I honestly believe that this is common to everyone that struggled to find job. I do believe some people meant no harm, but like I've said, when you are in that sensitive period of time-- not just finding job, but in a hard time in general-- everything that people trying to convey seems like an attack. It's not anyone's fault really. People just need to be more aware and try to understand each other better. Just to sum it up these are the top 3 things that I hated the most-- really. 

1) Constantly bringing up about work

Oh we understand that you meant well but.. really? We can talk about current issues, about the world, about CAPITALISM and our plans to eat the rich, oh also tell me about your new wrong sized underwear that you bought on Shoppee 3 days ago! It is much more interesting to listen to those small thing  rather than bringing up about the thing that we constantly have in our unemployed mind.

2) Give unsolicited advice

Don't get me wrong. It's a good thing that you are trying to help. But first try to hone your communication skills before trying to approach us and give us unsolicited advice. Advice are good, but only when it is needed. Read the room. It is okay-- I guess everyone will make the same mistake at least once in their life. Now that you've know this, you learn from it-- and tell other people too! 

3) Being compared with another individual that has "same" qualification as you

This must be the most annoying thing that everyone could agree on but sometimes it just happens, whether we realize it or not. The acquaintance that you know have a degree but works in retail/factory production (I am not trying to imply working in these field is not good, in fact these two jobs I mentioned are the jobs that might earn the same or more salary than a fresh engineer in Malaysia) -- you just don't compare us to them. They have a choice to choose their field of work-- and so do we! 

I did not. Periodt.

I hope everyone will be kind towards each other. Understanding and kindness can improve any situations. We are all trying our best in this world! Be nice!! 

my first interview experience that left me baffled with the 800myr salary & kitkat

i went to a job interview, for an-aesthetically-pleasing-building-design-company in s*nawang. 

it wasn't what i was expecting, to be honest. i applied for a boutique assistant position and i was expecting to hear about clear job description but instead it was two hour dull, boring and weird interview session, full of confusion and cloudy, repeated, not-even-a-jobscope-but-a-modern-slavery-bullshit spewed from the interviewer. i don't know what a boutique assistant had to do with helping to manage an event too. the job scope was all over the place, for 800 fuckin myr salary. so i have to do all these and that just for 800myr? INTERESTING. 

i'd rather be a cleaner for fucks sake. you dare saying "oh the government and our company are trying to help you". no. you fuckin scammed me. you put me in a spot to receive your offer. i was cornered to work there and you asks me if i can start the job immediately-- literally two days after the interview. me being me, i said yes but then it hits me; i actually am waiting for another job interview that i wanted to go. i said to her i'll start at august 10, and you dare asking me what am i preparing for? well maybe if you ask yourself that question before launching your half assed, not even established webpage and product I think you'd know the answer. maybe you should ask yourself why does your product doesn't even stand a chance with other products, is it maybe because you rushed thing and you get a shitty result, did you prepare yourself for that? maybe all these chance you are not afraid to take and you said everything is new to you yet you are so fearless is because you are a wealthy fucks, you have nothing to lose for because money to you is like a never ending river flow. i bet you never ask yourself that and i don't even need to know you more than two hours-- judging by how you are taking advantage of people and seeing your half assed company profile and just by reading YOU during the interview. miss, you are one shitty human being. fuck you. be better.

she later showed me around the boutique and my work place right after she unofficially confirmed my "employment" (and that was also the time when she start giving me teaser of her real skin and the sneaky money hungry attitude when she said i will only receive full 500 per client only if i don't receive any help from her). unofficially "securing" me to work for her was like a chance for her to step on me. i can already sense that, and best believe my gut feeling was always right. 

i have already lost my interest and got my attitude when i was about to leave the boutique. i remember how i scoffed at her after she ask me a question that i do not remember. i was already having none of her bullshit but i had to convinced myself to work there since i needed to land a job immediately. i knew my mother would not understand if i said no to the interview. 

i left the front door with my hijab all over the place, yawning and drained to the bone. 

i ran back to the car and erra, my cousin is waiting for me for two fucking hours. poor soul. on my way home we dropped by family store to buy stuffs. i stayed in the car, called shaki (she works at perkeso) and asks her about the 800 salary for that company offered me and she was confused. that time-- i realize it was all red flag all along but again, i was being cautious with my thought.

erra handed me two kitkat and said "nah, hadiah dapat kerja." my sleep deprived ass asks her, "kenapa sampai dua? nah ambik la satu" and erra said "kita dah ada. amek la, makan"

and who would've thought my life manifests itself in that kitkat situation. i receive two job offer that day.

i told my mom that i manage to get the job. i was very cautious with my word because i don't want to jinx myself before starting the job. mom was very grateful indeed, though my heart was already torn knowing that i am going get paid for only 800 and i need to manage client independently for me to receive extra salary without any help because if i am being consulted or helped by the person that interviewed me, i will only get half of it. i was already all over the place, but i was still grateful, indeed. my heart sunk deep down and i was too sad and confused about my decision so i immediately took my make up off and went to sleep. i woke up few hours later and received a text message that i was accepted for the job that i was interviewed for last week. i was overjoyed and i almost passed out for being too excited. talk about over reacting. i am grateful, and for clear, obvious reason, i went to the second job offer. the job scope is crystal clear and for the love of god-- my rice bowl worth more than 800myr god damn it. 

i sent a rejection email, and 

i immediately start working-- doing what i am sure i can be better at. 

i am grateful for everything, the opportunity to live and to choose my path. i thank all these people that has been rooting for me through my suicidal and depressed state. i can't be sure (nobody can anyway) that i will not be sad all the time but at least one of the burden of not contributing anything to my existence and being a burden is now almost gone. i just wanna be better. 

and also, god knows the best. and i meant it. i realize this after thinking how my ass was saved from that lousy company. imagining me being traumatized again after a year of gathering my courage to find a job is really... bad. real bad. aweful. horrid. 

i questions everything and most of the time- i am not that religious myself but when it comes to this kind of gift, i do be thankful. how ironic.  

job

it's been quite a week for me. it's a week full of tense and anxiety since the day i received my phone selection interview idk what it's called. the phone session was great, Lai was a very pleasant to talk with. after hearing the company and job scope explanation i started to fall in love with the company, with such carefree and friendly environment. i didn't ask much since it was my first phone selection after all, i didn't get the clear idea of my job scope and how much i am going to get paid. i guess it's fair for me to ask during the real interview if i manage to succeed on the selection.

considering i'll receive the minimum wage at 1.2k per month, i have to consider if i really wanted the job. bruh i ain't paying 30myr for transportation per day, it's crazy enough for me to travel that far for that amount of gaji. for people that say it's not my place to complain-- fuk u

this July

this July, i wanted to end myself.
this July, i feel as worthless as ever.
this July, whole month of just doing domestic housework pains me,
this July, seeing people progress as human pains me--
this July, doing simple chores tires me to the bone.
this July, i wish to be dead.

;

but this July;
I have decided to push myself after being drowned in my own fear and sorrow -- and actually make an effort doing things that I should do,
doing this that I have always do.

This July,
Marks my achievement of being mentally independent, creating, and forming my own thoughts without letting others dictates me.

This July,
i took a lot of unnecessary beating from my own mind for me to be in this stage and honestly,
this July,
I feel proud of myself.

i think, i need to..

i have lost thing that i treasured so much. i lost everything, i have nothing to lose anymore. i should be fearless. 

i think i need to start writing for real this time. 

refuse

my 4 hours early nap today, i dreamt of him. i woke up from sleep with a heavy thought, thinking how annoying he is- even it's only in a dream.

i missed him. i missed him so much. 

few hours later, he came home. 

he came home, 

but he refuse to see my face. 

he came home,

but he refuse to talk to me. 

he came home, 

but he despise my existence.