25

So here I am, officially 25 today. I don't have anything in mind to share today but I am just going to post anyway. 2 years ago I was planning to post this song on my birthday but I forgot about it so two years later, I'm fulfilling that promise. 

Just when you feel like you don't want to do anything, just show up. 

3 annoying things you don't want to listen if you are struggling to find job

Finding job is the most sensitive period for everyone. Everything is so tense, the reality that you were expecting before finishing your studies were all a fucking lie. Being an unemployed degree holder since December 2018 (not including this), I understand it well, like really well. I start to compare my life progress with people, seeing how people at my age progress-- earning money, being their better self yet I am still home bounded, depressed and anxious about my future. I have nothing to look forward to. It's bleak. 

Time flies exceptionally fast if you are unemployed. You might remember an event that you feel like it has just happened but really- it was three days ago. You wake up, do chores, and sleep. Do it all over again for another day until you feel like you lose your purpose and you start having an existential crisis at 3 pm. 

Being jobless, nothing that I hate more than having family gathering. I avoid family gathering. I was jumped on my neck because I am still haven't had a job even with my degree. My degree was a waste and useless, they said. I was insulted on my face during family gathering, saying how much of a burden I am. What do I have to say anything back? I have nothing-- I don't have anything, I lose my voice. 

How I still remember a person rub it real good on my face on how they receive money every month without having to work and ask me "kau ada?" repeatedly, in such demeaning manner, on my face. Actually, I don't. I guess it is acceptable for them to to say that-- and you know I am going to receive it all because I'm not going to say anything back, am I right? I bet my ass they probably won't remember that, but I actually do. Times like this are very sensitive, you might not know what you say or joke about will come across as something so rude that really hurt deep, so beware with your words. It is not even hard to not being mean. Try it sometimes. 

Other than that, not having enough support (agreeing passively with everything that someone wants to do is not a support) is one thing, and having to deal with people (that has nothing to do with my choice in life) that think they have the audacity to say those horrible, nasty words to me (everyone, really) is another thing-- yet they still wonder why am I so depressed, bitter and full of resentment.

I struggled finding motivations to actually find a job, overcoming trauma from my previous work place that mentally scarred me-- contemplating life and death from the fourth floor every day during my working time there-- it took me a year to get over that and fully healed. 

I honestly believe that this is common to everyone that struggled to find job. I do believe some people meant no harm, but like I've said, when you are in that sensitive period of time-- not just finding job, but in a hard time in general-- everything that people trying to convey seems like an attack. It's not anyone's fault really. People just need to be more aware and try to understand each other better. Just to sum it up these are the top 3 things that I hated the most-- really. 

1) Constantly bringing up about work

Oh we understand that you meant well but.. really? We can talk about current issues, about the world, about CAPITALISM and our plans to eat the rich, oh also tell me about your new wrong sized underwear that you bought on Shoppee 3 days ago! It is much more interesting to listen to those small thing  rather than bringing up about the thing that we constantly have in our unemployed mind.

2) Give unsolicited advice

Don't get me wrong. It's a good thing that you are trying to help. But first try to hone your communication skills before trying to approach us and give us unsolicited advice. Advice are good, but only when it is needed. Read the room. It is okay-- I guess everyone will make the same mistake at least once in their life. Now that you've know this, you learn from it-- and tell other people too! 

3) Being compared with another individual that has "same" qualification as you

This must be the most annoying thing that everyone could agree on but sometimes it just happens, whether we realize it or not. The acquaintance that you know have a degree but works in retail/factory production (I am not trying to imply working in these field is not good, in fact these two jobs I mentioned are the jobs that might earn the same or more salary than a fresh engineer in Malaysia) -- you just don't compare us to them. They have a choice to choose their field of work-- and so do we! 

I did not. Periodt.

I hope everyone will be kind towards each other. Understanding and kindness can improve any situations. We are all trying our best in this world! Be nice!! 

my first interview experience that left me baffled with the 800myr salary & kitkat

i went to a job interview, for an-aesthetically-pleasing-building-design-company in s*nawang. 

it wasn't what i was expecting, to be honest. i applied for a boutique assistant position and i was expecting to hear about clear job description but instead it was two hour dull, boring and weird interview session, full of confusion and cloudy, repeated, not-even-a-jobscope-but-a-modern-slavery-bullshit spewed from the interviewer. i don't know what a boutique assistant had to do with helping to manage an event too. the job scope was all over the place, for 800 fuckin myr salary. so i have to do all these and that just for 800myr? INTERESTING. 

i'd rather be a cleaner for fucks sake. you dare saying "oh the government and our company are trying to help you". no. you fuckin scammed me. you put me in a spot to receive your offer. i was cornered to work there and you asks me if i can start the job immediately-- literally two days after the interview. me being me, i said yes but then it hits me; i actually am waiting for another job interview that i wanted to go. i said to her i'll start at august 10, and you dare asking me what am i preparing for? well maybe if you ask yourself that question before launching your half assed, not even established webpage and product I think you'd know the answer. maybe you should ask yourself why does your product doesn't even stand a chance with other products, is it maybe because you rushed thing and you get a shitty result, did you prepare yourself for that? maybe all these chance you are not afraid to take and you said everything is new to you yet you are so fearless is because you are a wealthy fucks, you have nothing to lose for because money to you is like a never ending river flow. i bet you never ask yourself that and i don't even need to know you more than two hours-- judging by how you are taking advantage of people and seeing your half assed company profile and just by reading YOU during the interview. miss, you are one shitty human being. fuck you. be better.

she later showed me around the boutique and my work place right after she unofficially confirmed my "employment" (and that was also the time when she start giving me teaser of her real skin and the sneaky money hungry attitude when she said i will only receive full 500 per client only if i don't receive any help from her). unofficially "securing" me to work for her was like a chance for her to step on me. i can already sense that, and best believe my gut feeling was always right. 

i have already lost my interest and got my attitude when i was about to leave the boutique. i remember how i scoffed at her after she ask me a question that i do not remember. i was already having none of her bullshit but i had to convinced myself to work there since i needed to land a job immediately. i knew my mother would not understand if i said no to the interview. 

i left the front door with my hijab all over the place, yawning and drained to the bone. 

i ran back to the car and erra, my cousin is waiting for me for two fucking hours. poor soul. on my way home we dropped by family store to buy stuffs. i stayed in the car, called shaki (she works at perkeso) and asks her about the 800 salary for that company offered me and she was confused. that time-- i realize it was all red flag all along but again, i was being cautious with my thought.

erra handed me two kitkat and said "nah, hadiah dapat kerja." my sleep deprived ass asks her, "kenapa sampai dua? nah ambik la satu" and erra said "kita dah ada. amek la, makan"

and who would've thought my life manifests itself in that kitkat situation. i receive two job offer that day.

i told my mom that i manage to get the job. i was very cautious with my word because i don't want to jinx myself before starting the job. mom was very grateful indeed, though my heart was already torn knowing that i am going get paid for only 800 and i need to manage client independently for me to receive extra salary without any help because if i am being consulted or helped by the person that interviewed me, i will only get half of it. i was already all over the place, but i was still grateful, indeed. my heart sunk deep down and i was too sad and confused about my decision so i immediately took my make up off and went to sleep. i woke up few hours later and received a text message that i was accepted for the job that i was interviewed for last week. i was overjoyed and i almost passed out for being too excited. talk about over reacting. i am grateful, and for clear, obvious reason, i went to the second job offer. the job scope is crystal clear and for the love of god-- my rice bowl worth more than 800myr god damn it. 

i sent a rejection email, and 

i immediately start working-- doing what i am sure i can be better at. 

i am grateful for everything, the opportunity to live and to choose my path. i thank all these people that has been rooting for me through my suicidal and depressed state. i can't be sure (nobody can anyway) that i will not be sad all the time but at least one of the burden of not contributing anything to my existence and being a burden is now almost gone. i just wanna be better. 

and also, god knows the best. and i meant it. i realize this after thinking how my ass was saved from that lousy company. imagining me being traumatized again after a year of gathering my courage to find a job is really... bad. real bad. aweful. horrid. 

i questions everything and most of the time- i am not that religious myself but when it comes to this kind of gift, i do be thankful. how ironic.  

job

it's been quite a week for me. it's a week full of tense and anxiety since the day i received my phone selection interview idk what it's called. the phone session was great, Lai was a very pleasant to talk with. after hearing the company and job scope explanation i started to fall in love with the company, with such carefree and friendly environment. i didn't ask much since it was my first phone selection after all, i didn't get the clear idea of my job scope and how much i am going to get paid. i guess it's fair for me to ask during the real interview if i manage to succeed on the selection.

considering i'll receive the minimum wage at 1.2k per month, i have to consider if i really wanted the job. bruh i ain't paying 30myr for transportation per day, it's crazy enough for me to travel that far for that amount of gaji. for people that say it's not my place to complain-- fuk u

this July

this July, i wanted to end myself.
this July, i feel as worthless as ever.
this July, whole month of just doing domestic housework pains me,
this July, seeing people progress as human pains me--
this July, doing simple chores tires me to the bone.
this July, i wish to be dead.

;

but this July;
I have decided to push myself after being drowned in my own fear and sorrow -- and actually make an effort doing things that I should do,
doing this that I have always do.

This July,
Marks my achievement of being mentally independent, creating, and forming my own thoughts without letting others dictates me.

This July,
i took a lot of unnecessary beating from my own mind for me to be in this stage and honestly,
this July,
I feel proud of myself.

i think, i need to..

i have lost thing that i treasured so much. i lost everything, i have nothing to lose anymore. i should be fearless. 

i think i need to start writing for real this time. 

refuse

my 4 hours early nap today, i dreamt of him. i woke up from sleep with a heavy thought, thinking how annoying he is- even it's only in a dream.

i missed him. i missed him so much. 

few hours later, he came home. 

he came home, 

but he refuse to see my face. 

he came home,

but he refuse to talk to me. 

he came home, 

but he despise my existence. 

death

i went to visit one of my highschool teacher. along within the journey my brain somehow highlighting so much of the human mortality. today reminds me so much of the death and how we should not take everything, every single second for granted.

also today i was slapped so bad on the reality of how my self apologetic was put on the wrong place and it turns to a self sabotage.

all i need to do is to stop being concerned of things that doesn't require my concern and only think of good things.

horrible working experience - briefly because i'm tired explaining it to everyone

I have been away from home from the 7th of May to the 31st of May.. So it's about three weeks more or less.

I bet no one is curious where have I been on that date but let me write something here just to let go this suppressed anger in my chest. I was working. It was an abhorrent experience that I never wish to experience again. Supposedly I was working as a Retail Management Trainee at one of Malaysia's celebrated drugstore company (yes, it's the orange one). I do not know what to expect to be apart of my family but since my family and I was not on a great term I decided to make a haste decision to leave the house without my mother knowing (although my heart was screaming so loud of not accepting the offer and yes, that red flag was right all along.)
 The place was horrible, the co-worker was so hard to tolerate with and the store manager was a rude, egoist sociopath that will manipulate you in whatever way she wants. I hope she stepped on a Lego and die instantly.

Wouldn't recommend anyone to work there. -667098665/10.

he came home

Ayah came home last two days as I was still asleep in the middle of the day. He said he would not be able to make to my convocation. It was quite a bummer, I just wished he is going to be with me during the convocation day.

At least he came home. Mother looks happy. They both looks happy. The last time I witness this was probably years and years ago. 

2019

2019 has been a really rough start for me. I was really hoping this year would be a great year for me but unfortunately it is not. Nothing bad happens in my life, it is just my constant battle of loud thought that I can not turn it off has been bothering me a lot every single day. I was feeling bad until the early of February where everything seems to be back to normal, fresh start but these past few days really knock the fuck out of me. 

I have been feeling depressed since last year, during my final degree year on thesis. I knew something was wrong when I decided to isolate myself from my best friends aka my housemates. I didn't leave the house for a week maximum. I stayed in my bedroom locking myself. I feel numb. I am anxious of the future. I didn't know what to expect after I finished my research paper. I do not know what should I do or be in a few years. I feel the time is running out. It still continues until I start working in October until the early of December. I was busy going to work but I found it too exhausting because I felt like I was under performance though I was excellent doing sales and the two months that I have work, the department achieve their monthly target ( I was a part time sale assistant). The working environment was great, coworkers was great, but I feel numb and empty inside. I just get bored with the routine of waking up early and got back home really late with amount of payment that is not even 1k. All and all it was a great experience, at least those two months I give myself a break from my own mind and thoughts.

I have been in a constant anxiety and have been in on and off self-destructing mode since last year; wondering what my future would look like in a few years. 

This feeling came out of nowhere but I have already expected this to happen probably a couple of weeks ago. I am tired of living with my constant battle of my inner thought. It is very loud. Sometimes too loud that I can hear it on my own ear. I know I have a great support system but thing has not been great for them either. I know it is irresponsible for me to share what I felt to people whom also not emotionally available for themselves. Also I do not know how to react to people who tries to console or ask me to be patient. I can not blame them. That is what I did too if people come to me for the same reason. Now, I just keep it to myself and it is much easier. I do not need to expect anything from people, it is just me. If I were going to be disappointed, it is me that disappoint my own self.

Sometimes I do feel like I am on the verge of breaking down and wanted to crawl and sit in the cupboard and stay there for two days without any human contact. I just do not wish to be exist at that(this) point of time, but I also do not want to die either, because of uncertainty after death is scarier than reality. I just do not feel I belong anywhere. I feel like I am just another burden and purposeless human being that ever existed. I do not contribute much to anyone or anything. I am not able to fulfil my responsibility because of my own damn self. It is unbelievable to think how much thing I should be responsible of but I just can not get it done because of my own self.

I do not wish to be like this. I also do not wish this to ever happen to anyone in this whole world even to the enemy. If I was me six years ago I promise and I know, I am a highly passionate and motivated person you will ever met. I know and I believe what I am right now is not my true self. This feelings has got me feeling lazy, unmotivated and overly sensitive. I just hate myself. Also it does not make any sense on how my mood changes within a blink of an eye, it is just a matter of second I can go from a rainbow - giggly state to a stormy and dark person who hates everything and anything; which also leads to feel guilty because hating is really not my thing. I know and I realize I should not hate on everything and anything or anyone. Hating is exhausting. Six years ago I was not like this. I was the person who did everything and risk everything just so I can to make peace of people. I did everything I could to make (at least the environment around me) is less tense than what it should. I was that passionate, sincere and also naive, looking at what the possibilities in life but not now. I lost eberything.

I just want to be me again. I know I will be a successful person if I was my old self six years ago; compassionate, fearless, motivated and creative. I really want to be me again. I really miss my old self. I really do. I know I can do a lot of things with my old self. It is just sad to think how disappointed I, six years ago would be if I look at me now. People are progressing, moving forward to be their better self while I still contemplates just to get up from my bed every single day. It is no joke. I know it is not just a lazy - lazy. I know it is not just a sad - sad.

I just want to be the old me.

it's so funny

how funny is it when we think
the one who once we thought would stay with us is now leaving
the one who once we thought only to cross our life path is the one who stay
the one who once we hated so much is the one that is lending their hand and shoulder when i was down

it's funny to think how much i believe you would stay through thick and thin but now you appear only to ask about other people -- but not me
where were you when i needed a hand the most?
where were you when i was kneeling down, bruised and scarred?
where were you when i was crying that my pillow soaked up with tears?

and now you come again asking to ask me a favor-
and playing a major victim because i am not able to help you
because i am sick.