death

i went to visit one of my highschool teacher. along within the journey my brain somehow highlighting so much of the human mortality. today reminds me so much of the death and how we should not take everything, every single second for granted.

also today i was slapped so bad on the reality of how my self apologetic was put on the wrong place and it turns to a self sabotage.

all i need to do is to stop being concerned of things that doesn't require my concern and only think of good things.

horrible working experience - briefly because i'm tired explaining it to everyone

I have been away from home from the 7th of May to the 31st of May.. So it's about three weeks more or less.

I bet no one is curious where have I been on that date but let me write something here just to let go this suppressed anger in my chest. I was working. It was an abhorrent experience that I never wish to experience again. Supposedly I was working as a Retail Management Trainee at one of Malaysia's celebrated drugstore company (yes, it's the orange one). I do not know what to expect to be apart of my family but since my family and I was not on a great term I decided to make a haste decision to leave the house without my mother knowing (although my heart was screaming so loud of not accepting the offer and yes, that red flag was right all along.)
 The place was horrible, the co-worker was so hard to tolerate with and the store manager was a rude, egoist sociopath that will manipulate you in whatever way she wants. I hope she stepped on a Lego and die instantly.

Wouldn't recommend anyone to work there. -667098665/10.

he came home

Ayah came home last two days as I was still asleep in the middle of the day. He said he would not be able to make to my convocation. It was quite a bummer, I just wished he is going to be with me during the convocation day.

At least he came home. Mother looks happy. They both looks happy. The last time I witness this was probably years and years ago. 

2019

2019 has been a really rough start for me. I was really hoping this year would be a great year for me but unfortunately it is not. Nothing bad happens in my life, it is just my constant battle of loud thought that I can not turn it off has been bothering me a lot every single day. I was feeling bad until the early of February where everything seems to be back to normal, fresh start but these past few days really knock the fuck out of me. 

I have been feeling depressed since last year, during my final degree year on thesis. I knew something was wrong when I decided to isolate myself from my best friends aka my housemates. I didn't leave the house for a week maximum. I stayed in my bedroom locking myself. I feel numb. I am anxious of the future. I didn't know what to expect after I finished my research paper. I do not know what should I do or be in a few years. I feel the time is running out. It still continues until I start working in October until the early of December. I was busy going to work but I found it too exhausting because I felt like I was under performance though I was excellent doing sales and the two months that I have work, the department achieve their monthly target ( I was a part time sale assistant). The working environment was great, coworkers was great, but I feel numb and empty inside. I just get bored with the routine of waking up early and got back home really late with amount of payment that is not even 1k. All and all it was a great experience, at least those two months I give myself a break from my own mind and thoughts.

I have been in a constant anxiety and have been in on and off self-destructing mode since last year; wondering what my future would look like in a few years. 

This feeling came out of nowhere but I have already expected this to happen probably a couple of weeks ago. I am tired of living with my constant battle of my inner thought. It is very loud. Sometimes too loud that I can hear it on my own ear. I know I have a great support system but thing has not been great for them either. I know it is irresponsible for me to share what I felt to people whom also not emotionally available for themselves. Also I do not know how to react to people who tries to console or ask me to be patient. I can not blame them. That is what I did too if people come to me for the same reason. Now, I just keep it to myself and it is much easier. I do not need to expect anything from people, it is just me. If I were going to be disappointed, it is me that disappoint my own self.

Sometimes I do feel like I am on the verge of breaking down and wanted to crawl and sit in the cupboard and stay there for two days without any human contact. I just do not wish to be exist at that(this) point of time, but I also do not want to die either, because of uncertainty after death is scarier than reality. I just do not feel I belong anywhere. I feel like I am just another burden and purposeless human being that ever existed. I do not contribute much to anyone or anything. I am not able to fulfil my responsibility because of my own damn self. It is unbelievable to think how much thing I should be responsible of but I just can not get it done because of my own self.

I do not wish to be like this. I also do not wish this to ever happen to anyone in this whole world even to the enemy. If I was me six years ago I promise and I know, I am a highly passionate and motivated person you will ever met. I know and I believe what I am right now is not my true self. This feelings has got me feeling lazy, unmotivated and overly sensitive. I just hate myself. Also it does not make any sense on how my mood changes within a blink of an eye, it is just a matter of second I can go from a rainbow - giggly state to a stormy and dark person who hates everything and anything; which also leads to feel guilty because hating is really not my thing. I know and I realize I should not hate on everything and anything or anyone. Hating is exhausting. Six years ago I was not like this. I was the person who did everything and risk everything just so I can to make peace of people. I did everything I could to make (at least the environment around me) is less tense than what it should. I was that passionate, sincere and also naive, looking at what the possibilities in life but not now. I lost eberything.

I just want to be me again. I know I will be a successful person if I was my old self six years ago; compassionate, fearless, motivated and creative. I really want to be me again. I really miss my old self. I really do. I know I can do a lot of things with my old self. It is just sad to think how disappointed I, six years ago would be if I look at me now. People are progressing, moving forward to be their better self while I still contemplates just to get up from my bed every single day. It is no joke. I know it is not just a lazy - lazy. I know it is not just a sad - sad.

I just want to be the old me.