2019 has been a really rough start for me. I was really hoping this year would be a great year for me but unfortunately it is not. Nothing bad happens in my life, it is just my constant battle of loud thought that I can not turn it off has been bothering me a lot every single day. I was feeling bad until the early of February where everything seems to be back to normal, fresh start but these past few days really knock the fuck out of me.
I have been feeling depressed since last year, during my final degree year on thesis. I knew something was wrong when I decided to isolate myself from my best friends aka my housemates. I didn't leave the house for a week maximum. I stayed in my bedroom locking myself. I feel numb. I am anxious of the future. I didn't know what to expect after I finished my research paper. I do not know what should I do or be in a few years. I feel the time is running out. It still continues until I start working in October until the early of December. I was busy going to work but I found it too exhausting because I felt like I was under performance though I was excellent doing sales and the two months that I have work, the department achieve their monthly target ( I was a part time sale assistant). The working environment was great, coworkers was great, but I feel numb and empty inside. I just get bored with the routine of waking up early and got back home really late with amount of payment that is not even 1k. All and all it was a great experience, at least those two months I give myself a break from my own mind and thoughts.
I have been in a constant anxiety and have been in on and off self-destructing mode since last year; wondering what my future would look like in a few years.
This feeling came out of nowhere but I have already expected this to happen probably a couple of weeks ago. I am tired of living with my constant battle of my inner thought. It is very loud. Sometimes too loud that I can hear it on my own ear. I know I have a great support system but thing has not been great for them either. I know it is irresponsible for me to share what I felt to people whom also not emotionally available for themselves. Also I do not know how to react to people who tries to console or ask me to be patient. I can not blame them. That is what I did too if people come to me for the same reason. Now, I just keep it to myself and it is much easier. I do not need to expect anything from people, it is just me. If I were going to be disappointed, it is me that disappoint my own self.
Sometimes I do feel like I am on the verge of breaking down and wanted to crawl and sit in the cupboard and stay there for two days without any human contact. I just do not wish to be exist at that(this) point of time, but I also do not want to die either, because of uncertainty after death is scarier than reality. I just do not feel I belong anywhere. I feel like I am just another burden and purposeless human being that ever existed. I do not contribute much to anyone or anything. I am not able to fulfil my responsibility because of my own damn self. It is unbelievable to think how much thing I should be responsible of but I just can not get it done because of my own self.
I do not wish to be like this. I also do not wish this to ever happen to anyone in this whole world even to the enemy. If I was me six years ago I promise and I know, I am a highly passionate and motivated person you will ever met. I know and I believe what I am right now is not my true self. This feelings has got me feeling lazy, unmotivated and overly sensitive. I just hate myself. Also it does not make any sense on how my mood changes within a blink of an eye, it is just a matter of second I can go from a rainbow - giggly state to a stormy and dark person who hates everything and anything; which also leads to feel guilty because hating is really not my thing. I know and I realize I should not hate on everything and anything or anyone. Hating is exhausting. Six years ago I was not like this. I was the person who did everything and risk everything just so I can to make peace of people. I did everything I could to make (at least the environment around me) is less tense than what it should. I was that passionate, sincere and also naive, looking at what the possibilities in life but not now. I lost eberything.
I just want to be me again. I know I will be a successful person if I was my old self six years ago; compassionate, fearless, motivated and creative. I really want to be me again. I really miss my old self. I really do. I know I can do a lot of things with my old self. It is just sad to think how disappointed I, six years ago would be if I look at me now. People are progressing, moving forward to be their better self while I still contemplates just to get up from my bed every single day. It is no joke. I know it is not just a lazy - lazy. I know it is not just a sad - sad.
I just want to be the old me.
