Rant of an absent minded individual

I have been mentally absent these few months. Waking up, day by day— it’s just a 24 hours just to call it a day, 30/31 days just to call it a month.

Other than working, I basically did nothing. Time is moving so fast, and now it’s almost the end of 2021. 

I can exactly conclude how this year has been. At least not yet. 

I just know I am currently at better place than last year but the emptiness is just.. too much.

I don’t feel sad, happy or anything. I am not sad, life is not too bad. It just like I am constantly anticipating troubles. For some reason my brain has been trained to anticipate shits for the longest time, so it’ll soften the blow.

That’s just misleading and wrong. 100%. 

This pattern of thinking without a doubt is severely damaging.

I don’t treasure my day enough. Day passed just like that— no reflection, no achievement, no nothing. It’s just as empty as it is. It’s just another vicious cycle of— ah, what to do next.

There’s literally no color at all. Like my superior said to me yesterday “You’re grey.”

Literally there’s a character of me in anime. Uramichi oniisan that is. That’s literally me. 

There is no satisfaction in things that I do— which is essential to me in my deeper level. I do shits as usual, but when it just didn’t reach to the level that I really wanted, then it’ll all become so fucking boring. I feel inadequate. 

Then it comes to this stage where I feel like— I’m fucking sucks. I’m not good at anything, at least that is what I feel like. 

I have a mindset of a loser on the other court, and I fucking hate it. 

“You can learn”, they said.

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There comes my second reason. Or rather, a backstory, or if I am being frank enough— this is an excuse.

Generally I don’t have the best attitude on learning. I am not dumb. I know I am not dumb.

I chickened out from things that I am not good at instantly. If I don’t nail it at the first time— fuck this shit. This is not for me. I don’t care. At least most of the time I am saying this is during the situation where I can be sure that there will be people behind me that can do this better than me. 

Time waits for no one. I feel pressured by time constrain, and if I knew there is someone that can do things better than me, why would risk giving it to me? 

And then at the moment when I am at the dead end where people would rely on me on this thing— I would still find my way to bail out. I literally abuse myself and give 0 chance to myself to learn, make space and mistakes. I hate mistakes. 

But to make no mistakes = no progress.

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Curiousity. I guess that’s the only thing that has always been in me. It is not more than anyone else, but it’s rather high. 

It’s bottomless, wide, deep, random and scattered. 

Sometimes impractical— but that’s the fun of it.

I wouldn’t say that I’d be curious with everything and anything. Like any normal being there are certain limitations of my curiosity.

Then it’ll go back to the first point of me not liking things that I am not good at instantly. It’s dumb. i know. I am working on that part of me.

My strongest pursuit since high school is curiousity and the neverending passion to learn and share. Not necessarily meaningful, but I get the thrill when people say 

“Oh aku baru tahu!”

That’s the sweet, sweet little fruit of knowlegde that I can find along my dark, lonely journey. To share it with other people that appreciate it is my utter joy.

It’s ridiculous to think how a small of a thing can make me happy. Maybe I like being relied to.

Just not too much! 

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It’s November 2021. Just a month left to 2022. I’ll be 27 next year.

Unlike other lost year that I just gave up to have resolution, I will make sure I will at least have my own resolution for 2022. 

I hope I won’t forget this. I want to live enthusiasiticly. I want to chip off my pesimistic mind.

I want to live beautifully, inside and outside. Appreciating every single specs of dust, hair, glitters and sparkles. 

Every single sadness, tears, joy and sorrow.

I’ll spoil the hell out of my inner child. I’ll reparent my innerchild wisely, beautifully. 

She will eventually find life fascinating.