i think, i need to..

i have lost thing that i treasured so much. i lost everything, i have nothing to lose anymore. i should be fearless. 

i think i need to start writing for real this time. 

refuse

my 4 hours early nap today, i dreamt of him. i woke up from sleep with a heavy thought, thinking how annoying he is- even it's only in a dream.

i missed him. i missed him so much. 

few hours later, he came home. 

he came home, 

but he refuse to see my face. 

he came home,

but he refuse to talk to me. 

he came home, 

but he despise my existence. 

death

i went to visit one of my highschool teacher. along within the journey my brain somehow highlighting so much of the human mortality. today reminds me so much of the death and how we should not take everything, every single second for granted.

also today i was slapped so bad on the reality of how my self apologetic was put on the wrong place and it turns to a self sabotage.

all i need to do is to stop being concerned of things that doesn't require my concern and only think of good things.

horrible working experience - briefly because i'm tired explaining it to everyone

I have been away from home from the 7th of May to the 31st of May.. So it's about three weeks more or less.

I bet no one is curious where have I been on that date but let me write something here just to let go this suppressed anger in my chest. I was working. It was an abhorrent experience that I never wish to experience again. Supposedly I was working as a Retail Management Trainee at one of Malaysia's celebrated drugstore company (yes, it's the orange one). I do not know what to expect to be apart of my family but since my family and I was not on a great term I decided to make a haste decision to leave the house without my mother knowing (although my heart was screaming so loud of not accepting the offer and yes, that red flag was right all along.)
 The place was horrible, the co-worker was so hard to tolerate with and the store manager was a rude, egoist sociopath that will manipulate you in whatever way she wants. I hope she stepped on a Lego and die instantly.

Wouldn't recommend anyone to work there. -667098665/10.

he came home

Ayah came home last two days as I was still asleep in the middle of the day. He said he would not be able to make to my convocation. It was quite a bummer, I just wished he is going to be with me during the convocation day.

At least he came home. Mother looks happy. They both looks happy. The last time I witness this was probably years and years ago. 

2019

2019 has been a really rough start for me. I was really hoping this year would be a great year for me but unfortunately it is not. Nothing bad happens in my life, it is just my constant battle of loud thought that I can not turn it off has been bothering me a lot every single day. I was feeling bad until the early of February where everything seems to be back to normal, fresh start but these past few days really knock the fuck out of me. 

I have been feeling depressed since last year, during my final degree year on thesis. I knew something was wrong when I decided to isolate myself from my best friends aka my housemates. I didn't leave the house for a week maximum. I stayed in my bedroom locking myself. I feel numb. I am anxious of the future. I didn't know what to expect after I finished my research paper. I do not know what should I do or be in a few years. I feel the time is running out. It still continues until I start working in October until the early of December. I was busy going to work but I found it too exhausting because I felt like I was under performance though I was excellent doing sales and the two months that I have work, the department achieve their monthly target ( I was a part time sale assistant). The working environment was great, coworkers was great, but I feel numb and empty inside. I just get bored with the routine of waking up early and got back home really late with amount of payment that is not even 1k. All and all it was a great experience, at least those two months I give myself a break from my own mind and thoughts.

I have been in a constant anxiety and have been in on and off self-destructing mode since last year; wondering what my future would look like in a few years. 

This feeling came out of nowhere but I have already expected this to happen probably a couple of weeks ago. I am tired of living with my constant battle of my inner thought. It is very loud. Sometimes too loud that I can hear it on my own ear. I know I have a great support system but thing has not been great for them either. I know it is irresponsible for me to share what I felt to people whom also not emotionally available for themselves. Also I do not know how to react to people who tries to console or ask me to be patient. I can not blame them. That is what I did too if people come to me for the same reason. Now, I just keep it to myself and it is much easier. I do not need to expect anything from people, it is just me. If I were going to be disappointed, it is me that disappoint my own self.

Sometimes I do feel like I am on the verge of breaking down and wanted to crawl and sit in the cupboard and stay there for two days without any human contact. I just do not wish to be exist at that(this) point of time, but I also do not want to die either, because of uncertainty after death is scarier than reality. I just do not feel I belong anywhere. I feel like I am just another burden and purposeless human being that ever existed. I do not contribute much to anyone or anything. I am not able to fulfil my responsibility because of my own damn self. It is unbelievable to think how much thing I should be responsible of but I just can not get it done because of my own self.

I do not wish to be like this. I also do not wish this to ever happen to anyone in this whole world even to the enemy. If I was me six years ago I promise and I know, I am a highly passionate and motivated person you will ever met. I know and I believe what I am right now is not my true self. This feelings has got me feeling lazy, unmotivated and overly sensitive. I just hate myself. Also it does not make any sense on how my mood changes within a blink of an eye, it is just a matter of second I can go from a rainbow - giggly state to a stormy and dark person who hates everything and anything; which also leads to feel guilty because hating is really not my thing. I know and I realize I should not hate on everything and anything or anyone. Hating is exhausting. Six years ago I was not like this. I was the person who did everything and risk everything just so I can to make peace of people. I did everything I could to make (at least the environment around me) is less tense than what it should. I was that passionate, sincere and also naive, looking at what the possibilities in life but not now. I lost eberything.

I just want to be me again. I know I will be a successful person if I was my old self six years ago; compassionate, fearless, motivated and creative. I really want to be me again. I really miss my old self. I really do. I know I can do a lot of things with my old self. It is just sad to think how disappointed I, six years ago would be if I look at me now. People are progressing, moving forward to be their better self while I still contemplates just to get up from my bed every single day. It is no joke. I know it is not just a lazy - lazy. I know it is not just a sad - sad.

I just want to be the old me.

it's so funny

how funny is it when we think
the one who once we thought would stay with us is now leaving
the one who once we thought only to cross our life path is the one who stay
the one who once we hated so much is the one that is lending their hand and shoulder when i was down

it's funny to think how much i believe you would stay through thick and thin but now you appear only to ask about other people -- but not me
where were you when i needed a hand the most?
where were you when i was kneeling down, bruised and scarred?
where were you when i was crying that my pillow soaked up with tears?

and now you come again asking to ask me a favor-
and playing a major victim because i am not able to help you
because i am sick. 

rendang.

"tahap mana kita ini selayaknya makan yang buruk²".

my heart aches really bad.

sometimes i felt like quitting and stopping.

i'm really tired.

solitude

people don't seem to understand when i start distancing myself.

i'm not in my bad mood. i just want to be alone. i get it, sometimes i can be a bit louder than usual, or be loud in general. that doesn't mean like i am always up for mingling 24/7. i do get tired with human interaction too. so i'll go quiet for a day or two. or sometimes 3 days. i swear there is nothing personal, i just want to be left alone. please don't come for me asking if i am not okay. i appreciate my time alone as much as i enjoy my time with people. it's a healing process for me. people should try it too, it's healthy.

2 cents

no wonder people go quieter over time because the more you explain the more people refuse to understand. it's such a shame being born in a cognitive dissonance generations. we refuse to perceive new information as it is. we are alarmed with differences as if we are all made to be equal in everything. we are so caught up in our own belief on certain things, when it happens in other way around we are so alarmed with new information and perceive it as a threat.

what the hell the world has got us into. what is even wrong with differences. i know myself as a human i am unable to tolerate everything in front of me, but people need to stop talking bad about other people just because we're not on the same page.

we have been taught with "my opinion is truer than you so i am wiser. my beliefs is way better than yours so you better shut up".

when can we stop

I know that you know

Ayah, do you know how mad I am today?

Do you know every time Mak and Adik gets mad at you I was the only one who’s defending?

Do you know every time I told my friend about you-- they're all gets mad too?

Do you know how mad I was for you not to put any effort to defend yourself?

Ayah, even the whole world are against you-

I’ll be the one who will stand for you

I’ll be the one who will defend you- even if people are repelled by my action to do so.

I realize that I can’t get mad at you.

Ayah, do you know sometimes I feel like I don’t belong anywhere in this world.

Every where I go, I feel like I’m forcing myself fitting in with people.

Sometimes, I just wanna gave up and be alone.

Ayah, I was sad and miserable these few years.

Just now you called--

I told Amar and Ezuan to shut the hell up-- because I really wanna hear your voice.

I missed you, not even to the distance of moon and back. It’s more than that.

Ayah,

Just now you called-

You sounded so happy.

I realized how much I wanted all these years was a bad dream-

That God will wake me up from these long sleep--

I’ll wake up as a 10 years old-

So we’ll have plenty of time together.

And I don’t have to regret how much time I’ve wasted

--to realized that I loved you more than my own life.

Ayah.

I know that you know-

that I miss you.

We both can feel it. 

humans are flawed

nobody is perfect. we are all lacking in things that usually people can't see. from day to day we learn to just embrace them or simply close one eyes and decide to ignore them; not completely, because it's a constant battle within ourselves.

while we struggle to ignore and embrace them, there are also people who constantly there to remind how flawed we are. how lack we are according to their personal standard, or society standard.

we hardly say that it doesn't affect us but the reality is already ripping our feelings in half, at least.